Dealing with the Caregiver Blues
How to cope and find support when a parent lives with you.
Day by Day
Caring for an aging parent can be an experience fraught with emotions, ranging from guilt, resentment, anger, and grief to fulfillment and love. If you're in a caregiving position, you'll need to stay healthy and emotionally strong to get through the good times -- and the hard times. Here are four strategies to help you navigate the sometimes turbulent waters.
1. Don't go it alone. Your local Area Agency on Aging, senior center, or hospital can direct you to valuable resources in your community that can provide you with the assistance you need -- whether it's help with doing household chores, bathing a parent, preparing meals, or finding transportation programs and other services in your town. (Some of these services are free; others may be covered, at least in part, by Medicare, Medicaid, or private health insurance.)
Caregivers can also gain strength by joining a support group that deals with a parent's particular illness or condition, says Claire Berman, author of Caring for Yourself While Caring for Your Aging Parents (Henry Holt, 2001). The American Diabetes Association, American Cancer Society, and Alzheimer's Association, among others, can direct you to local chapters that may offer support groups.
2. Help your parent maintain his independence, if possible. Elderly parents often grow resentful and lose self-respect when too much is done for them, says Elaine Rodino, PhD, a psychologist in private practice, specializing in family, relationship, and life-transition issues. If your parent is still mobile and mentally competent, use your judgment and realistically assess what types of things he can do on his own, she adds. For instance, can your dad cook himself a meal or fix himself a bowl of cereal? Can he go out and visit a friend, with the help of a transportation service? If so, allow him the opportunity -- and give yourself a short break.
Coping with Burnout
3. Watch for signs of caregiver burnout. Even under the best of circumstances, a primary caregiver can experience tension, stress, and exhaustion. How do you know if you're headed toward a meltdown? Here are some warning signs:
- You frequently snap and take out your frustration on your kids, spouse, boss, or your aging parent.
- You feel hopeless, overwhelmed, and sad for extended periods of time.
- You easily become tearful.
- You notice changes in your appetite and sleep patterns. (You might be eating and sleeping more -- or less.)
- You frequently get sick.
- You avoid people, places, and activities that previously brought you pleasure.
If you notice any of these signs of distress, try to carve out more personal time for yourself, get extra help with your day-to-day tasks, and/or seek professional counseling, says Berman.
4. Know when it's time to make a change. At some point, your elderly parent may require more intensive custodial care than you are physically, emotionally, or financially able to provide. When this happens, it's in the best interests of everyone to find a different living arrangement for your parent, says Rodino. In the meantime, however, look for the daily opportunities to enjoy your parent, to love her, to encourage empathy in your children -- and, most of all, to honor yourself for the difficult yet ultimately rewarding job you've undertaken.
